Imagine if you will, someone with a lovely voice, singing the title to this blog post...close your eyes and listen. With perfect pitch, inflection and balance...
Does it make you have the FEELS??? Is the tension in your chest and behind your eyes almost to much to bare? Building...building, like the crescendo of a song... Do you feel an excitement pushing toward giddiness? The kind that makes you laugh till you cry uncontrollably...wondering what got you started on this blast of emotional quackery?
Hells yeah....Me too!!!
At this time in my life I feel a bit of both, I am just over 2 months away from my 40th birthday. The life beyond that is a shiny new journal, blank pages....ready to fill....Literally so much can be written in that empty space, the potential is infinite, and I am sure that is what is causing the tension and the giddiness.
Honestly, I feel like I am about to jump off the biggest cliff of my life. Its terrifying, that feeling of being able to let go totally....my toes are curled over the edge just slightly, gripping on for dear life, breathing deep down into my stomach, I bend my knees, reach up to the heavens and jump, out into open air, into another aspect of my journey.
Change is a powerful entity in life. I know that my personality and lifestyle is going to change dramatically in the next year or so, its all developmental. I am embracing my cocoon this winter, with anticipation of the spring. I do not however intend to overlook or undermine the process.
(I) Honestly never felt like I was ready before now, or deserving somehow.
I have for much to long pushed down under my thumb the desire to be who I am.
This all sounds very melodramatic, I mean I'm not about to come out or anything.....at least not as what you would expect.............
OK here goes.....I'm a FARMER and I am damned proud of it. You know the Beth that is the happiest? Farmer Beth, when I have to paint my fingernails to hid the dirt, that's when I am happiest,
As I look back, in my life, at this blog I see a recurring theme, pertaining to, interestingly enough my time in nature and love for a little thing called farming. So why then have I pushed it to the back burner of my life, why has this love and passion not been in the forefront of all my scheming to move forward?
Fear...., a nagging feeling of unacceptance, an all negative, soul sucking, bring you down to the the depths of hell, the fear of failing and the fear of hearing I told you so....Does this seem trivial and totally inconsequential in the grand scheme of things....maybe to you, but the struggle is real inside my head most days. Its a dream killer Fear, I have called it out to duel and I intend to hit my mark dead center, striking it down.
Thanks for listening...
Thefriendlyfemalefarmer!
